Saturday, April 18, 2009

Simulation Systems, Tests, and Your Employment (Part 4)

These series have been reasonably successful. How about one more? Read the explanation on part 1, or read parts 2 or 3 for more jobs and their requirements.

Requirements: High constitution, moderate dexterity, high charisma

Yes, people still hire butlers. As a butler, you will do a rich persons menial labor, freeing them up to make even more money. Expect to work 18 hour days doing mindless crap, while wearing a tuxedo and looking good doing it.
In the English-speaking world, it also helps to have an upper-class British accent. In the UK, this helps your boss feel that you are classy like he or she is, and in the former colonies of the UK, this helps them to feel like they are the aristocratic type that they were born in the wrong place and 100 years too late to be.

Police Officer
Requirements: High Strength, high body dexterity, high finger dexterity, lawful alignment, moderate charisma

As a police officer, you will patrol the streets and enforce the law. Society needs as many of these kinds of people as possible, right? Unfortunately, you will be quite unpopular.

Why? For one, as a police officer, you will be telling people no. No, they cannot have a noisy party at 3am. No, they cannot exceed the speed limit "just this once." No, they cannot read their porn magazine in public where easily offended people and children can see it. No, they cannot smoke that joint, or even have it. No, you cannot spray-paint rude things on the boss's house, even if he is a total twit.

For another, there are two kinds of people that really want to be police officers. One is inherently concerned with social justice, but the other one really likes to boss people around and is a twit. People assume that most police officers are going to be the second kind, especially if they have met this type of person before, and rest assured that they probably have.

The last issue about it is that police work will often confront you with the worst kinds of people that humankind has to offer, and your usual attitude will soon run along the lines of "Okay, what is that asswipe up to this time?" Police work may change you into a ranging misanthrope.

Requirements: High constitution, Very high charisma, ability to express emotions different than those you're actually feeling, artistic nature

Many people want to be actors. There's fame, and the top tiers of acting pays a fortune. In addition, actors are crucial to the production of plays and movies, which most aspiring actors love.

The bad news of this is that since so many people want to be actors, very few of them actually achieve it. Directors can be very picky about the people who play their parts, specifying them very very precisely, and ensuring that they are very skilled at what they do. Have a day job before you even try. You can always quit it if you get that big part.

Help Desk
Requirements: High Intelligence, High Charisma, Extensive computer knowledge

This entry-level computer industry job involves you answering people's questions about computers. Questions such as "How do I insert graphics into my spreadsheet?" and "It says 'Illegal Operation,' what does that mean?" Typically, you will be doing this by phone, and people will call upon you incessantly.
You must answer their every question, even if it is explicitly spelled out in the manual that they refused to read, even if it is immensely stupid, and even if they scream insults at you in the process. Expect more invective if they cannot recover from their problem, like if they lost 20 pages of typing due to a crash. Maybe you can't solve the problem, but the company pays you to endure the frustrated ventings.

Offshore Oil Worker
Requirements: High Strength, High Constitution, willingness to be away from home for the entire working week

As an offshore oil worker, you fly to a godforsaken oil platform somewhere in the ocean (probably near the shore, but don't count on it), first thing Monday morning. You haul around heavy machinery, fix problems, and keep the oil flowing, day in, and day out. You sleep in quarters in the platform, which are probably cramped, shared, or both. You work until Friday night, at which time you are flown back to the mainland to go home.

Lonely, difficult. Pays well. Perfect for the person who hates their home life.

Medical Test Subject
Requirements: Complete lack of self respect, or superhuman love of the medical sciences

Got some condition doctors really want to explore? Don't mind enduring weird chemicals for the sake of science? Have no ability scores whatsoever and still need to make a living? Consider the fun field of medical testing! See if substance X82-A really is toxic! See if the new remedy for the common cold involves certain...side effects...that the rats didn't have! Determine if our latest surgery is survivable! I'm kidding about one of these!

Sewer Maintenance
Requirements: High Constitution, Ability to walk through water which certainly contains poop, Slight mechanical aptitude, Acceptable dexterity

I hear they have a union and make considerable money.

Advertising Copywriter
Requirements: Very high charisma, High writing ability, Probably high intelligence

You write ads. Some of these ads are scripts for television or radio commercials. Others are direct text for newspaper or magazine ads. In any case, your boss wants to sell something, and you have to make it interesting for people. They have to see your ad and want it.
Unfortunately for you, you will usually be operating in a hostile environment. Be it television, radio, internet, or magazines, most people find the ad a jarring annoyance to get past as quickly as possible. People only really like advertising in the phone book.

Requirements: Computer knowledge, Chaotic Evil alignment, soul blacker than a coal mine, complete internet sociopathy

As a spammer, you put out all those stupid emails hawking viagra, penis pills, and things of a dubious nature. You must know how to send millions of emails a second, as 99.9999999% of the emails you send will be thrown out with, at best, a press of the delete key and a wish for your imminent demise. Some people will never see it at all, as spam filters intercept it and wisk it away to a folder of unwanted crap, to be auto-deleted after 90 days.
Of course, one idiot in a million will either be a total gullible moron, or a lonely old person who'll buy the stuff just to have someone to talk to. So for spamming a quadrillion computers, you make about 10 sales, for a profit of, I'm guessing $40. Also, I hate you.

Social Worker
Requirements: High Charisma, High Wisdom, Eternal Optimism, non evil alignment
As a social worker, you must investigate families who are suspected of doing it wrong. And by doing it wrong, I mean child abuse and neglect. Sometimes this is thankfully baseless. And sometimes it's completely warranted. You must maintain an upbeat attitude, even when removing the children from their home.
Social work may make you despair.

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