Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Melting North Pole

Global warming isn't so bad, they said. It's not like any permanent effect is happening, they said. And then it happened.

The North Pole is melting. By the end of September, it will be gone. The northernmost part of the world will be an ocean.

Don't worry, kids. Santa moved his operations to a series of redundant bases in Canada, Greenland, Norway, Finland, Russia, and Alaska. He's a bit annoyed at the move, but thankful he caught it before the whole workshop sank underwater.

But as for global warming, not only is this bad news, but it will exacerbate the problem. Ice is white and reflects sunlight. Seawater is blue, and mostly absorbs it. So this water will absorb heat from sunlight, and get the urge to flow. Flow southward, since when you're at the north pole, every direction is by definition south.

At the worst, the fresh water from the melting ice will flow southward into the Atlantic, clog up the jet stream, which will cease the flow of warm water into the east coast of the US and the western coast of Europe. Spain, England, and France will no longer enjoy the mild winters they used to have and will get significantly colder. Virginian beachgoers will need wetsuits, much to the manufacturer's delight.

This could even lead to war, as the newly opened northern ocean gets numerous boats from Canada, the US, Russia, and Denmark (which owns Greenland) all jockeying for position. Nations can be very sore losers.

Never fear, though, for I have a plan to reverse this. We sail boats with mirrors around the oceanic part, and place mirrors on the remaining ice. Mirrors should, theoretically, work even more effectively than ice, and if other anti-global-warming measures are also put into effect, would reverse the melt, freezing the pole back over. It would once again be possible to walk from Alert to Novosibirsk, though this would not be a good idea.

EDIT: The north pole's melting was much slower than expected. There should still be ice for 20 years, albeit on a decreasing nature. Post is marked "wrong," even though the pole is still melting, albeit much much slower than previously described.

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